The Guilty Victim

You know the saying, "Innocent until proven guilty." Well, I think that I am no longer innocent.

Joining in the choir of pain with those around me, I have had my fair share of hurts, pains and let downs by others. I'm sure you can relate... We have all been hurt in our own way and all feel alone at times because of it due to this absence of relation of pain. Our feelings are legit. Our hurt is real, our pains sting for years and we can probably still feel the raised scar it has created on our hearts, souls and minds.

As I feel my scars, it's easy for me to think, "Oh poor me. Look what's been done to me." Although I have been hurt, I do not have the right to wallow in that pain and loneliness day in and day out because really, it's not all about me. When I make it about me, I may consciously or subconsciously use it to my advantage and in turn create scars on hearts that do not belong to me. *GASP* Knife to my heart with the truth... those hearts that I have created scars on do not belong to me, but to God.

Scripture that I often want to run far away from when I'm hurting is:

Philippians 2:3-7

"Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who though was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men."

We are also told in 1 Corinthians 10:24 to seek the good will of others and not just ourselves.

And in 1 Peter 3:8-9 to live with brotherly love and with tender hearts. This is so important with our brothers and sisters of Christ.

Pain is not fun, but amidst that pain, it's still not all about us. This is one of the most challenging places I find myself to be in at times. The Guilty Victim. When I long for comfort and support in suffering, pain or hurt, there are others around me who too long for a similar if not the same sense of love from me. My pain is not the center of the universe, although it may feel like it at times, but we must be reminded that our God, the only One good and holy is the center. The One who has chosen to personally love us through this pain. In pain, in hurt, in suffering, let's be reminded that we are to encourage and lift one another up in each other's hurts, but let us seek the Lord for strength to do the same for others. I need to remember to pray daily that what I do is pleasing to the Lord, and in what I do, I am also thinking and placing my brothers and sisters before myself. The Lord is with me, so whom shall I fear by even placing others before myself? He has not forgotten me and will not abandon me.

A community of believers is vital. Honesty is of the essence and forgiveness is not an option. As our scars heal and as we continue to look to God for that strength, we must forgive those who have hurt us and caused scars. The scars I have should be used to glorify God not basking in unforgiveness; scars tell a story and we all have a story to tell. Scars also heal and strengthen not only us, but those around us. Our scars may seem insignificant and small, but to others they are evidence of a God who helps and heals; a God who will continue to walk with each of us through our pain and yet remind us gently that we are vessels to be used to glorify Him and help heal others.

So yes, I am the guilty victim. I have been hurt, but I am far from perfect. I have hurt others with cutting words, actions, reactions and who knows what else. Let me just say I am thankful that love does not keep a record of wrongdoings and I am thankful that God is love. May the Lord give us strength and season our words and actions with love and gentleness to our brothers and sisters. With Christ as our example of the most humble servant, who's offered us eternal life with Christ, may we love and learn selflessness each moment.

Prayer Answered & Adventure Beginning

Christ said, "Do Not Worry." So Don't.

If you ask me, it seems like we humans like to complicate things... A lot. Why don't we more often listen to Christ who has told us not to worry? Matthew 6:25-34 is scripture I have held onto very tightly in my heart and mind this past year. I wasn't sure where I would be after my graduation in May "09 and even before that I had no clue. I did know that it would be extremely different than what I had planned for myself.

Throughout the summer I had some here and there jobs, took time off to live at Canadian L'Abri, and then the intense job search began. Though I majored in social work, I wasn't sure that it was something I wanted to have as a profession. Confusion swept through me and all I could cling to was God. He kept reminding me not to worry, that He will always provide, and I trusted and continue to trust Him. Career builder became my friend, I became an expert letter writer, have perfected my resume and my phone bill nearly went up with all the calls I made in persistence to agencies. Still nothing amounted for three months. This week all that changed.

Yep, I got a Job :)

Last week I walked into a beautiful hotel (I'll keep the name a secret online for privacy purposes, but ask in person and I'm happy to tell) and got an interview on the spot, which I was not expecting. It went so well and I walked out feeling so confident and excited. The job as a guest services agent just seemed fitting for me, but the following week was the longest week in my history. Four times I had called the hotel back and left two messages, only to finally be in touch with the office manager yesterday (3/9) who then offered me a second interview for today. Today went super, and I was "Welcomed Aboard," as the new guest services agent, as stated by the office manager.

I have so much thankfulness to God, who has promised to provide. This job is just a bonus because I already have all and more than I need.

Surrounded by Diapers, Sippy Cups and the Occasional Fart

And no, I'm not talking about babies, though yes I have four baby cousins. I'm talking about that sad part of life called old age.

My grandparents' (Mom's parents) bodies are preparing to return to dust. It's a difficult thing to watch at times, but more than anything at this time I am reminded about how our lives are not our own. Just as babies require adornment, love and attention for every squeak and squawk they make, the dear elderly our culture has so ashamedly pushed to the curb craves the same thing. For starters, I cannot imagine what it must be like seeing yourself change, age and become... well... different than you ever imagined yourself to be. The most difficult part of it is knowing that this we cannot change. All we can do is love them and offer them the respect and honor they are due.

Just as babies, my grandparents crave attention and love; they MUST know that they will be cared for till the day they pass. Babies need that love and affection. They rely on their mother to feed them and would not survive if adults chose to ignore their cries. Like with babies, the same is with the elderly; again those caring for them need to understand that their lives are not their own. I often think of my parents and all they have offered and sacrificed to give so much love to us, so much TIME to us, the two greatest gifts. My parents life is like a cycle; they have birthed my brother and I, raised us, saw us through the awkward years and

let us cry on them in the heartache years. They taught us to seek the Lord in all our endeavors and to walk with confidence and live with a side of adventure. They saw us off to college and lost us for four years as we immersed ourselves in studies and building life long relationships with friends and significant others. They've seen us walk across the graduation stage with misty eyes and a heart pounding in their chests with pride. And just when they thought it was over... their very own parents, the ones who have done the same for them as they have done to us, begin to pull a Benjamin Button.

Children need their parents and in turn parents will need their children.

Let us not be fools; let us give up what we have to find our lives in Christ, knowing that this is how life is. I promise it will not be empty, I promise there will be difficulties, but I promise that it will not be in vein... It will all be for the glory of our God, in whom our hope lies.

Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune

These are two shows that are always on in the evening at my house being that there are two wonderful elderly women at my house. The TV is always on downstairs and my great Aunt, Cornelia, also likes to watch Judge Judy and NJ 12 in the afternoon. Sometimes I'll catch a glimpse of my very God-fearing grandma, Maria, watching Jerry Springer reruns. When I ask her "Omama, what are you watching," she quickly is like, "eh it was on and I just stopped here. I don't know." Then she will proceed to change the channel to something less vulgar. I guess when you're that age you're interested to see what kind of a mad world the youngsters are living in.

Living at home has taught me a lot about my character, my patience and my love; basically the way I live and why I live this way. I've learned time and again that my life is not mine to live, but for the Lord to give. It is always about living in the way Christ has instructed us for God. Sometimes this is hard and I find it easiest to be the most impatient with my family... Shame.On.Me. I know that it will be God who continues to soften my heart to continue offering the most precious gift to people; TIME. I learned this today as I joined my Great Aunt Cornelia on a walk around the block. She of all people can be very difficult at times, but that does not excuse my impatience. She still is a child of God, a beautiful creation.

You know, I've been thinking often about what my meeting with Christ will be like for the first time some day. It dawned on me that this is going to be a real meeting; a face to face meeting (or maybe a bowed, fallen face to face). God is alive, Christ is alive and one day I will meet Him, and though I cannot wait, I would not want to waste this gift of TIME that God has given me here to spend wisely and for Him. So often I find myself asking What am I doing? Where am I going? How shall I live? And often I search for this answer in the wrong places when already these questions have been answered.

Matthew 10:38-40, "And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worth of Me. he who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it. He who receives you receives Me,and he who recieves me receives Him who sent Me."

The words of Christ Himself remind us to take up our cross and lose our life, for Him, to find it. This means my time belongs to Him, and it will be in His time that I one day will see Him. This is not in vein, but for Him.